Where's My Gun?!

As a wedding photographer, at the end of a big day you will have no energy left if you have done your job.  A wedding day requires your mind and body.  You must utilize both hemispheres of the brain; be analytical, organized, observant, creative, emotionally connected from behind the camera, etc  My boss, Doug, says he reserves enough energy to drive home.  I reserve enough to make sure he doesn't fall asleep at the wheel, by telling him stories and sometimes he turns on the radio in the middle of them. It makes me laugh.  Last night was no different.  It was a great wedding.  We headed home around 10 pm.
My boss and his wonderful wife, Stana house me when I am in Montana.  Stana had to make an overnight trip to Missoula to check on her mom.  Doug and I hit the back door tired and went separate ways without saying a word.  I headed to my room downstairs and closed the door; happy to see my giant comfie, bed.  It is difficult to fall sleep after a wedding. You have to slow down the mind.  So whether it be half of a movie or some reading; my required routine is somewhat the same.  I chose a book.  When the words started sliding around on the page, I cut off the lamp and went to sleep.  The last thing I heard was Doug upstairs getting some cereal.
At some point in the night, noise from above drug me from a deep sleep.  I assumed Doug must not be sleeping well without Stana at home.  I grabbed my phone to check the time; a little aggravated at being woken up at 4:30 AM.  The loud noises continued.  I got out of bed and listened.  Something wasn't right. Then a loud boom of something hitting the floor upstairs shifted my awareness.

Three scenarios played out in my mind:
1. Doug is unaware of how loud he was and then fell in the kitchen.  "Crap! Is helping him up in my job description?"....Probably; in fine print of course. :)
2. Intruder. Doug must have suffered a head injury because no one could sleep through this!
3. BEAR! -"Where is my gun!?"

Doug and Stana suggested I sleep with my windows closed in September and October because of black bears coming through the neighborhood.  But the doors have been left opened lately to let in cool air.

I grabbed my large pocket knife and pink pepper spray.  It would only make a bear sneeze -ONCE- then it would come for blood. However, I couldn't go with just a knife.  Besides, if it was an intruder, I was gonna empty the can on their tail for dragging me out of bed at 4:30 AM!  Either way, it was MAN OR BEAST vs. BECCA.  I took a deep breath and eased open my door, "armed." Sort of.  This was the epitome of "taking a knife to a gun fight."

This decision to investigate and confront was nothing new.  There has never been a, "Honey, I heard something," situation.  My life requires a different response to something like this.   In college, I lived with 3 other girls in a townhouse apartment. It was the youngest & shortest girl that cautiously, went down the stairs in pink satin shorts with a death grip on her baseball bat. The other girls followed behind me.

I know if an intruder is in your home, it is best to leave the lights off.  However, I needed the overhead light.  I would rather have a full frontal man attack vs being taken from behind by some unseen animal that CAN see me in the dark.  I  silently climbed the stairs to the first landing and hit the switch; flooding the house in light.  My eyes tried to adjust as I saw a flash of dark fur bolt from the kitchen down the hallway.

It was in that moment that the "fight" overtook my "flight." One word came out a growl.
"GIT!!!"
It was a little embarrassing. I'm glad I was alone.  My grandparents used to shout "GIT!" at wild dogs that would come on their property when I was outside playing as a kid.  I never knew that under the right circumstances it would come out of me!  What does it even mean!?  How did I speak at all?!?!?!  I was mentally preparing to chase a bear out of the house for heaven sakes! The guilty party was moving so fast I still don't know what type of animal it was.  One thing was for sure we scared each other to high heaven.

I looked down at my opened knife and pink pepper spray still in my hands. I checked the kitchen and cleaned up the mess.   I turned off the light and headed back downstairs.  Laying my "weapons" on the nightstand I realize 3 things climbing into bed.

1. I remembered where my gun was.

2. WHAT WAS I THINKING!? I was going to take on a potential bear with HUMAN pepper spray and a large pocket knife!  Who did I think I was- "Tristan," the bear wrestling guy (played by Brad Pitt) in Legends of the Fall?!  Good grief. I didn't seem to be worried about it being a person.

3. I chuckled because I was so grouchy and I assumed Doug slept through the WHOLE scenario. I definitely wasn't going to check.  I sighed.  Well there was the silver lining- Doug didn't fall out in the kitchen.  Which is good.  We have 3 more weddings in the next 2 weekends!  I don't want to do those alone.  I'd rather face "the bear."

Questions

The battle wages.  I fight alone.  My arm feels every ounce of my sword and shield.  The armor meant to protect me weighs me down.  How do I continue?  How do I press on?  How much longer can I keep this up?  I am so tired.  The pelting rains creates a bog across the field.  The ground slides beneath my feet.

The growling foe comes one after another.  There is no end to their number.  I feel their hot breath press me.  Blood, spit, and sweat fly. Heavy threats hang in the air of what will come if I fail.

I swing. I deflect. I parry.  I slice.  I block with my shield. Some I slay; their broken bodies scattered at my feet.  Shock vibrations cascade through my body.  My shield bearing arm is broken on impact from the enemy's weapon.  A sneer lights his face as I am forced to drop the shield.  My only defense, anticipate and move.  I cross block with my sword.  

The rain begins again with renewed strength as my own ebbs. There is no help.  I am still outnumbered.  I have called; no one comes. "You are on your own." Those sobering words are delivered with a victorious sneer as if he has read my fear.  Was anyone ever with me?  Was it all a figment of my colorful imagination? My throat constricts as prickling tears fill my eyes. Truth is not always easy to accept.  I am alone.  I release the armor protecting my heart.  I need to breathe and move with more ease.

A firm, heavy blow bears down on top of my sword. I am forced to my knees; buckling under its weight. In that moment my sword is forced from my grasp.  My time has come.  Eternal rest.  I lift my eyes to my predator's gaze.  The emptiness in those eyes are more menacing than anything I have ever seen. He informs me, "Most beg for their life or join the ranks of a new leader."

I whisper, "Never."  A well delievered  whisper can be stronger than a shout.  It hits the mark.  Much louder I declare to something bigger than he or I,  "I believe, but help my unbelief."  I am focused.  Peace cloaks me. I'm ready to meet death head on.  

My sword lies out of reach being cleansed of all things ugly in the deafening rainstorm. I square my shoulders and with a defiant lift of my chin I pray that my comrades fair better than I have.  The monster has decided to slay me with my own sword.  The sword I have lived by.  What is supposed to be the biggest disgrace will be my honor.  The storm wages but, I hear his clear chuckle.  "Foolish girl!"

Once more I repeat.  "I believe, help my unbelief." 

Unconstrained anger bursts forth as the monster rushes me; sword raised.

I gently close my eyes.   A gust of wind whips my hair across my face and everything slows to a snail's pace.  I open my eyes to see what game my attacker plays.  All that fills my vision is the embodiment of my belief, despite my unbelieving doubts and questions.  He has slain that which set out to destroy me.

A tear courses down my face, striping my bloodied cheek clean in its wake. I lower my gaze in shame.  I am not alone.  As the booted feet of this warrior appear on the ground in front of where I remain kneeling; I hear a voice more like a caress.  Barely above a whisper, this message was delivered.

"Your questions and your doubts won't cause your failure.  How you decide to respond to them can.  I've been here with you.  Choice is the most powerful gift to give someone.  In order to choose you must first question.  Don't fear questions.  They lead to conclusions. Until you arrive at those conclusions your belief and faith will bridge the gap. You have done well. More battles are ahead. More victories and perhaps some defeats; but the choice is forever yours.  I am here."  

With that I lift my sword.  It is a welcome weight in my grasp.  I have chosen. This is my destiny. I take a deep breath and see a new enemy on the horizon.  I start forward. After all there is no reason to wait for him to come to me. I am ready.  I believe.

Some of the Greatest Things are Unexplained

I have been house sitting for the past few days.  Usually when you are in a new place sleep can be elusive or somewhat shallow.  This has not been the case.  I have been sleeping deeply and have not felt so rested for a while. Perhaps it is the massive black lab by my side; snoring so hard that he could suck the paint off the walls.
This morning was odd.  I awoke to let him out to run just as the orange rays of sunlight broke through the gray, thick clouds.  Half asleep and rubbing my eyes, I was stopped in my tracks at the sight.  It was beautiful.  Hank soon reminded me to snap out of it and open the door!  I let him out and fell back to sleep.
About an hour later, the next thing I heard, woke me like a caress.  Church bells, off in the distance.  Easing the covers back I padded into the kitchen to start the coffee.  Silence filled the house;  which incidentally provides a great environment to think.
In the South, many people go to church;  some do not.  I started thinking about Easter Sunday and what that means to us.  I have many friends that do not attend church. Yet, they pray as much as church goers do.  They have shown me more stability and love than some religious folks.  In moments of need and extreme pain it is those same people and my Christian friends that have provided the comfort and love that Christ asks us to.  Some have been hurt by the church or should I say the people in it.  Some people have work that does not permit regular attendance. Whatever their reason I think about the negativity they associate with the church.  I started pondering how much of the aversion to church was contributed to God vs the people in the church.  I am not hear to  point fingers, fuss, spit, and snarl; enough of that has been done evidently.  I just know what I have been told.  Maybe it is time for us church goers to, once more, reexamine our hearts. Are we misjudging people?  I can say that my heart has hurt for the last two years, even when I sit in church.  This morning the church bells, brought a sense of peace that I can not explain.  Not a word was spoken, the  melody simply floated across the fields and filled a void in my soul I had not even identified.  Sometimes the greatest thing we, as Christians, can offer the world is a melody with no words or opinions, like the church bells. After all, the best intentions, can still be words that are heard as "a resounding gong." (1 Corinthians 13:13)
My last parting thought... after a wonderful cup of coffee, I became completely conscious. :) I get that from my mother, "consciousness requires coffee."  I started wondering what church was close by that may still have bells that ring on a schedule.  It seems to be a sweet tradition that is becoming more rare these days.  The  closest church is a few miles down the way, but church bells do not play before 8 AM on a Saturday morning. Come to think of it, I have never heard them while visiting my friend at any time of the day.  Sometimes the greatest gifts are undeserved and unexplained.
Tomorrow is Easter. Whatever your plans for the day are, I hope you spend a day filled with joy and you are wrapped in unexplained peace from God because He loves you. I am sorry if some of us church goers have stepped in between you and God intentionally or unintentonally  with opinions and idle chatter.  As always you are welcome visit with me and the family at our home church, no words or strings attached. Happy Easter!